5 – Pattern

stay busy stay too busy to think

this will work for a while

all the tricks work for a little while

but you become immune

too tolerant of everything

too tired of reflecting

you are so tired from thinking that you have no energy for anything else

avoidance is a kind of lying

if you’d only stayed busy

if you’d only not started getting up alone

hours and hours to pick apart yourself

to feel yourself unravel

to knit yourself anew to contain the rest of the day

but you’re fraying

the pattern is an old one

thumb print blurred

missing corners

the needles slip

your fingers cramping

and there is never any less day

stay busy

or you will come

undone

This is the 5th in a recent series of poems and statements building up around a common theme of identity. I am writing them more for myself than the public, as a tool for introspection, which is why this is the first I’ve posted.

I started this blog as a place for my raw, ragged thoughts then stupidly went and made it a component of my writer’s online persona.  I wish now that I had kept it separate, but anyway I have never been a private person so if this is how I meet the world, so be it. 

you are so tired from thinking that you have no energy for anything else
 
avoidance is a kind of lying

The distance between thought and action (and speaking is an action) can be difficult to bridge.  Poetry is such a bridge: metaphoric, image-making, employing rhyme and meter to produce a sense of coherence, a miniature tautology, a universe complete unto itself.  Meaning from non-meaning, because the best poems are so light they might blow away on the next breeze. 

“It’s dark because you are trying too hard.
Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly.
Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply.
Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them.”

Aldous Huxley, Island

The Keeper

swearing cheapens everything

it fucking does

I went away to practice my elocution

why do you have to sexualize everything

you’re the one who insisted on the mountains

the snow like cream

the foothills dank with fir

sappy air that ignites when you snap your fingers

such danger

much fear

I went to practice elocution

the shape of words and

the morals

to every fairytale

eat the apple: sleep a thousand years unchanged

then fuck a prince

“so what’s the catch?”

(2023)

Have I written any poems this year?  I keep posting old poems to Insta because I’m lazy and I need content. I don’t write poetry with any diligence. Only when the words need to be poems and not my standard prose. 

But I went to an indie book fair yesterday.  Everyone in my town is a poet or knows a poet.  Pretty, pretty books everywhere. This is what I bought:

A photo of two books laying on a desk.  The book on the left is “Poetry is Queer” by the author Kirby. It has a light purple cover with a picture of a surreal phallic shape outlined by white buttons and filled in with googly eyes. This shape is passing through a circle of white buttons.  The book on the right is “Dream Rooms” by River Halen.  The cover is mainly black with bold white text and a colourful photo of hundreds of pieces of discarded chewing gum.  Both books are very, very queer.

I have no idea what to say

Hugely enticing, right? Relax, I’m just conducting another experiment on you.

Two years and a bit into this blog (which surpasses every other attempt I’ve ever made at journaling both privately and publicly) I have given it a Facebook page. A little test, to see if I can trick the machine into giving me some joy.

Attention in: attention out.

Don’t follow me unless you really want to. I don’t expect to post anything other than, er, these posts. The experiment part? To see what kind of noise I can make by posting *inside* Facebook. The machine doesn’t want you to leave. It doesn’t want you to mention (i.e. link to) the outside world. The more you post its own output, the more it rewards you.

A dangerous game, but only if you can’t step back.

I’m betting my life on next to nothing. Writing as a career is often terrifying. It’s all on me. I must, if I’m serious, use every weapon at my disposal to defend myself, to stake my claim. To get noticed.

And then to be unforgettable.

WHAT RUINED ME Episode 9: ‘Watership Down” by Richard Adams

This book is tied for first with THE HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY for most important book in my personal history. Douglas Adams taught me about absurdism, and the lyrical power of words. A Doug Adams run-on sentence is a thing of near incalculable beauty, and I’m pretty sure Ford Prefect qualifies as my first book boyfriend (the talking mouse in the Narnia series doesn’t count, as I more wanted to be him.)

Richard Adams taught me politics.  Just like Tolkien, he liked to say that Watership Down isn’t about totalitarianism.  Like Tolkien, he is both right and wrong.  People who haven’t been to war don’t know how deeply it changes you.  Whether or not Adams set out to write an allegory, I believe his experiences serving in World War II, fighting literal totalitarianism, became part of the myth of himself.  

So yeah, it’s a book about rabbits trying to find somewhere nice to dig some holes, but it’s also a classical pilgrimage from base delusion through the vale of sin into moral righteousness.  And it’s also about the horrors of authoritarian rule.  In every case that our plucky, fluffy heroes encounter an anti-democratic system of rabbit governance (Adams gave them cops and kings) the outcome is disastrous.  Denial, subversion, death. 

Meanwhile our heroes are like a carrot-seeking antifa.  They don’t have a chief, until other rabbits start referring to one of them as such.  They don’t impose their will on each other.  They innovate, make friends with other species, liberate tame rabbits from captivity, and defend themselves gallantly against a vile oppressor. What in the world was I meant to learn from this book other than the principles of utopian anarchism?

Like hell it’s about rabbits.  It’s about surviving this maddening, misunderstanding, murderous life we’ve granted ourselves.  These times are both like and unlike any time in human history.  The challenges are enormous.  But the will of every heart to go on beating means we will face them and rise above. 

I have to believe this. 

What else is worth believing?

PAT YOUR OWN BACK or CHEAT ON YOUR GOALS AND WIN!

MILLION WORD MILESTONE

CURRENT WORK IN PROGRESS:  “THE OLD RAZZLE DAZZLE” final editing

# OF DAYS TO GO: 134

TOTAL WORDS WRITTEN:  934,411 (of 1,000,000 = 93% OF MY GOAL)

# OF WORDS TO WRITE: 65,589


A lot of benchmarks are not useful because they achieve a specific practical goal but because they make you feel better.  This is true in writing as much as anywhere else.  A few weeks ago I thought it would be fun to set a goal of writing a million words by the middle of 2023.  That’s not lifetime, not spotty rough drafts, but fully formed pieces of writing I’ve completed in the last three years. 

I had about 110k to go to reach this, and I was feeling confident.  That’s only two novels, and I have two novels in the planning stages which shouldn’t take more than a few months to bring together (to all the writers who never seem to do any writing: another world is possible.) 

Then I found out that WordPress logs your word-count.  And that I’d written 52k words for this blog over the last three years.

You better believe I counted that.

So now the total stands at a thrilling 934,411 words written (and most of them published) since the start of the pandemic. If I wanted to show off, I’d dip back into 2015 and pull the numbers on the two standalone novels and the five part contemporary series I completed while tending the reception desk at one of the country’s biggest real estate brokerages.  Thanks, Joey.  I couldn’t have gotten this far without you.

So I’m editing this book, see…

and the word count keeps goes down.

which is why I don’t track daily word count.  What matters is the books.  The end result. 

don’t muck around and seek the unattainable goal of perfection, but don’t deprive your writing of the time it needs to be excellent.

excellence and perfection aren’t the same. 

set a standard and keep meeting it. 

that’s all you gotta do.

The Player of Games

I did it. I played the game. I did the tricks, I sat up, I begged. I scheduled my posts. I groomed my hashtags. I added IDs for the visually impaired.

I featured an image. I added a quote. I cross-posted. I rained content.

I should have just had a nap, because I’m exhausted. And I got nothing.

And I wondered in my delirium if maybe if posts weren’t suppressed and artists had reach and fans saw all your content and we didn’t have to pay for even the barest shred of eyeball time that maybe we would all be making money and wouldn’t mind paying.

Twenty bucks says this gets more views than any of my carefully curated content. This Luddite mumbling, this petty little whinge. Better feature an image, keep the variables constant.

And prepare for nothing.

(In the meanwhile, read my previous post, it’s nice and long and has a bit about KJ Charles.)

A sign from the gods

Or: how do I choose what to write without needing to choose?

My “to-be-written” pile is pretty intense. Maybe down to a dozen by now but still that’s a lot of books.  Somewhat less than a million words, if we average 60,000-65,000 words per book.  Absolutely doable within a few years, because it only took three years for the first 850k.

Now I’m left with the start of three series but no ends.  While none of these series have made me rich, neither has anything else I’ve written, which I take as a lack of exposure, not quality.  My readers exist, they just don’t know it yet. And one of the most satisfying experiences for a reader is a completed series.

I started publishing under a disposable pen name.  Under that name, I released my first full length novel, a bonkers erotic romance about fin de siècle swingers who ball their way across Europe and back.  At the end, our plucky if rather sticky heroes are forced to separate, one couple to try their luck in New England, the other trio setting off for Imperial Japan, to reunite with yet another 1890’s hornbag.

I wrote the New England book last summer, mainly as I’d already written a big chunk of it at the time I wrote the first. It’s an equally bonkers novella involving archaeology and (God help me) turn of the century reproductive rights that ends with another hasty escape, this duo of sticky heroes absconding cross country to the amoral paradise of California. 

I’ve since rereleased the first book under my current pen name.  Despite my strange ambivalence after the fact (is it too raw? too filthy? too political?  a ridiculous piece of slanderous trash?) I’ll be putting out the second book in April.  And yet…I haven’t written the third book.  I was still not sure that I would.  But part of my faith is accepting synchronicities at face value.  I don’t believe things happen for “reasons” but I’m not going to ignore it when it seems like they do.

The first standout was this post about late 19th century Westerners having “samurai” portraits painted on their trips to Japan.  You can still get this done, and I have a revolting photo of myself as a geisha from a visit to a television company’s theme park/historical recreation site/active film set (Japan’s a hell of a drug.)

Of course Matti would have this done, I thought.  Get talked into it by Shigeru.  Get teased about it later by Paul, who would offer to do better with his camera. The scene unfurled before me, so fully formed I haven’t written it down because it’s whole as is.

At some point prior to that I bought this book. I pick up a lot of books for pennies at yard sales and thrift shops, and couldn’t tell you when or where I got this.  Flipping through the other day, I found excerpts from a diary kept by a Japanese man in 1905, written in Roman script. Romaji, as it’s called, is a transliteration of Japanese syllables into Roman letters, i.e. what English is written in. This is what we read outside of Japan.  Okinawa, Osaka, Tokyo: these words are written in romaji so that non-Japanese people can read them.

In 1905, a poet kept a diary that almost no one could read.  A Japanese person would not know the characters, and Westerners did not speak enough Japanese. It is as a consequence deeply personal, even more than most diaries, which are only secret if kept secret.  This was a confession, all the writer’s fears for the future, his abiding existentialism encoded in a book only he could read.

Chills, baby, and they were multiplying.  Much of Oh Vienna! is built around diary entries.  Matt keeps a journal of his scientific “inquiries” into human desire which devolves into a open-hearted testimony to his first love. It is to reunite with that love that Matt and his companions travel halfway round the world.  The next book clearly needs a diary to structure it, and perhaps that’s what I always found missing from Book 2. On I went, shelving this in the Very Interesting section of my mental library.

And then…and then KJ happened. Again.  Charles’ books repeatedly tear me apart, and have in a way ruined me for most other books.  So when she posted the covers of the Japanese edition of The Magpie Lord…

I cried. I’m crying right now.  I don’t know why, other than the books are so beautiful and the story so touching yet vivid and lively (and filthy, did I mention filthy?) and her characters are perfect and I want to be so good a writer that I deserve a set of books this fucking beautiful.   Hitch your wagon to a star, right?

Not that my next book will deserve such a tribute (that enough people in Japan want to read it that they translated it, designed new covers, and are printing paperbacks.)  But the river flows downhill, and all rivers become the sea, and I don’t know what I’m trying to say with this except I’m writing that next book.  The last of the Libertines. Okinawa, Mon Amour.  Spring 2024.

Who the heck am I?  I mean this week…

I can overthink anything.  You name it, I can lose myself down a rabbit hole of reverie that will touch on any and every topic my pick-n-mix brain can associate with it.

So when it comes to who I am as an author, you better believe I have come at this hot mess of an identity crisis from every angle under the sun.  Total anonymity.  Full disclosure.  Pen names that had nothing to do with my real name, and one that is an amalgam of names by which I’ve been known all my life. This is before I start thinking about gender, both mine and my characters.

Everything feels up for grabs, as if I am remaking the world if only in a very narrow way.  But what set me off?  Why think about any of this?

I was interested in joining a book promotion with a group of other authors.   LGBTI+ books were siloed off in their own category, regardless of genre.  Most of the authors in the category were cis-presenting white women writing thinly veiled fanfic of Buffy (everyone’s a dude and they all bang) and/or Brokeback Mountain (everyone’s a cowboy and two of them bang.)  If that’s your trot, as Chuck Tingle says, let’s trot,

I usually go a different way.  Because I’m a pernicious troublemaker who has never found a foothold in the mainstream.  But what does this mean for my career?  If I write about diversely queer characters, am I doomed to scrabble at the margins, never gaining a fan-base, never writing a book that other people truly want to read? Can I really survive the long hours, months, years to build a following?  Other people are making it work, though they started sooner, have a head start so to speak.  My genre is certainly niche, but it exists and the reader base is committed and growing. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

So why didn’t I join the promo?

Because I hadn’t done all this thinking yet.  I hadn’t come to terms with the ever more obvious truth that I really only want to write about queer love. Y’all straights got plenty to read.  I want to tell a different story.  Love is love, however, even if you’re the straightest arrow ever drawn, and being bi (though maybe I should start saying ‘pan’ as gender is a social construct and doesn’t really exist) I’m fine with heterosexual unions.  I just don’t much care to read or write about them.

Perhaps the most valuable thought that came up is the difficulty of straddling certain genre divides.  It’s one thing to write a historical paranormal shifter omegaverse time travel story and quite another to put both a straight and a gay romance arc into that story.  There’s an ick factor around romance a.k.a. kissing that cannot be denied or even overcome.  Many people find out they’re a certain orientation by a bit of exposure to what it turns out they don’t like.  When that first kiss makes your skin crawl but not in a good way and you realize you can’t kiss that sort of person ever again.  

I don’t need people putting my books down because of that mood.  Just because my edges are blurry as heck doesn’t mean I can assume the same about readers.  In fact, the longer I work in self-publishing the more I understand that I am not my target market.  For starters, there’s only one of me, and my tastes are unpredictable.  I need total strangers to see, want, then read my books.  Then to want to read all the others (in their niche genre interest, that is, which ought to be obvious from a glance at my books’ covers or I’m doing genre fiction wrong.)

The big promo has started and I’ve missed my chance for the year.  Such is life, and I can only wish that I’d been thinking clearer that month and been able to come to these conclusions while I could still get involved.  We do what we can, and in December 2022 that turned out to be almost nothing while I recovered from you-know-what.  Brain fog is real, yo, and it’s a sonofabitch.

Never Enough

I wanted it not to matter

for it to make no difference

for this to not be measured in these pounds of flesh

weighed and found wanting

we wanted to be free

not to measure

not to count

you mourn yourself

your particular futures

the claims you have made on them

usurped by raw fact

these things too must (sometimes) pass

“No fear exists except beginning”

It is enough

It is never enough

After, we swam in the river

trusting in the darkness

calling one another’s name

you forgot to answer and I

swam to you

blind in the blood warm water

the sacred dark

and when your hand touched mine

beneath the surface I forgot my

own name too

(2023)