a Poem and a Warning

I’ve been writing The Fixer as a highly personal blog, and sometimes the personal is horrifying.  Poetry is a good medium for saying what is almost impossible to say.  Sparse, so targeted, able to express what is unsayable in any other way.

Consider this your content warning for a dirty word and a reference to a violent act. Things have been intense in my world lately, with a lot of big wins but also some really messed up stuff. This is some of that messed up. 


Bad News

that unexpected moment

when someone you used to fuck

gets arrested for murder

and you think

how strange to have been

naked and yet to have learned

nothing of one

another

(July 7, 2023)

Saudade

there is a recording

of the last Kaua’i ‘ō ‘ō bird

calling to another bird

who no longer exists

born to crave another

made to want that unity

dying with a song on your tongue

because you are alone

no face to find in a fleeting crowd

no future

I think too of how it must have felt

to record that

to capture the sound of infinite longing

of wanting what cannot ever be

and then to catalog it

as a thing we destroyed

did the cataloger weep

like I do now

as they labeled the recording

understanding how much

we have yet to

lose?

(July 2023)

If you really want to exercise your tearducts, here’s the same story but in Brazilian funk-tinged EDM.  No, seriously.

A sort of prayer

the sun rises from the pink horizon into the clear blue sky behind a lattice of the branches of spiny desert plants

Our Lady who art Chaos

Give us a fucking break

Thy Queendom comes

Whether we want it to or not

Give us no more than we can survive

At least for now

Because I got a lot of shit to do

Deliver my packages on time

And protect me from porch thieves

For this is the life we each have

Use it or lose it

We don’t have forever

Amen (or whatever)

(June 2023)

What to Wear: Pride 2023 edition

I want to dress in sackcloth

drag noir

all black

a shroud

to mourn the death of

liberty and justice

the murder of fair decency

the silent suffocation some would subject us to

or shall we remain resplendent

arising prism hued

aligned with our true purpose

yet wearing one black armband

for those whose footsteps

are now only echoes

(June 12, 2023)

I’m so tired of fighting for the right to exist in my own body. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to let that stop me.

This body is a battleground.

No surrender.

20 – Territory

a single upright square-edged boulder stands on a cliff edge like a sentinel, against a backdrop of the sparsely treed, pyramidal hills of Africa's Rift Valley

and there is in all of this a wish to disappear

to obliterate our old selves in a

burst of glittering gold

emerge phoenix-like from our own ashes

the pyre of history

the stubbled field of our ancestors

before the coming of the seed

I owe you nothing that you cannot

get for yourself

there is no debt between us

your unasked for gifts

left at the side of the road

leading to un-ceded territory

I owe you nothing in return

for all the nothing you have given me

as we meet empty-handed on the precipice

all of us straining for

a glimpse of

tomorrow

(2023)

This poem is part of a semi-published series called Body of Work, an ongoing dialog with identity and self-knowing.

Line Poem 7

abstract painting: a figurative image of three silhouettes of faces overlaid in shades of blue and white. From the main figure's head, swirling circles of light and shadow suggest otherworldly yet shapeless imaginings.

punished

by

data

and

I

want

to

ask

why

but

no

one

will

ever

answer

the

phone

chop

the

wood

boil

the

water

return

return

return

return

remake

rejuvenate

restore

your

native

hope

your

soil-grown

wantings

your

endeavours

reach

down

and

know

your

self

(2023)


What am I doing with these line poems? They say so little, tell so much, but I believe there’s a balance between poetry that is born of long thought, and that which tears through us, that grasps a mere tenth of our feeling yet makes it manifest in a form that others can see.

I want to work harder. I want to burn. I want to push and push and push until I reach a lie, then push beyond. I want you to break when you read them. I want you to be reborn.

Four poems about fire: #3

a hand holding up a white-framed instant photo. The photo is either undeveloped or a picture of a blank white surface

a city on a hill

a burning branch

a window shattered by a thrown brick

a layer of neural tissue two millimetres thick

a series of choices which, when stood beside each other, can only be seen as inevitable

a map with a white space in the middle

a feather you found on your windshield from a bird that was classed as extinct

a promise that no one expects you to keep

(2023)

Four poems about fire: #1

the night sky lit yellow and orange by a forest fire. in the foreground, smoke rises from a blue valley.

the sky is full of Alberta

that stalwart cloak of green

that DEW line shielding the eastern provinces from the

aerial assault of off-gassed methane

igniting in one long curving line and taking with it our

hopes for a safe and happy summer

as the sweetgrass dreams of grassy inland oceans

are buried by the silty ruins of the last great extinction

Line Poem 6

Canadian

privilege

is

being

able

to

reflect

on

North

American

culture

as

if

you’re

English

(2023)

I wrote this on a day when market forces want me to say “Happy Mothers Day.”  Being a contrary such and such, let me be the first to wish you a Happy Choosing-not-to-be-a-mother-if-motherhood-wasn’t-what-I-wanted Day. If you need to mother someone, it helps if you start with yourself.

16 – Tear

they

said

my

eye

was

red

because

I

had

a

blocked

tear

duct

because

I

hadn’t

cried

enough

lately

and

I

said

how

the

fuck

is

that

possible?

(2023)

This poem is part of an ongoing dialog with identity and self-knowing. I’ve been buying a lot of new Canadian poetry at independent book fairs and am struck by its precision. A descriptive poetry, emotional but not instructive the way I find a lot of modern poetry can be. The poetry I like the best says “here we are, you and I, and this is what that’s like for me.” And the “you and I” can be anyone: you and everyone, you and no one, you and the world, you and yourself.

You maybe don’t have to love yourself. You can maybe just be satisfied with yourself and that will be enough for now. You don’t have to love toast but you might happily eat it every day. The heart is a muscle and all muscles need training. Even when the heart is metaphor for the locus of all your emotions, it must still be trained. If you want to move mountains, you start with one stone.

It is possible to exercise love for all creation by annihilating the self, but the empty vessel is itself a conceit, an opportunity only afforded in a society of abundance. If we are all Buddhists, who fills our begging bowls? Most of us must wade through the muck of our attachments–to spouses, children, parents, life–but to do this well requires an open, active heart. Brave-heartedness, the will to show love despite the countless reasons not to, will be key to our survival in the coming decades. Shallow, angry thinking cannot save us from our selves. We need more and stronger love.

We need more tears.