Hardwired

it was always an experiment.  for the first time it wasn’t a journal, and that had always been the problem.  too much churning, mucky pointlessness in those, a daily spilling of mud on a porcelain floor that had to be mopped up again and again. 

this was to be a handprint in wet concrete, a tiny, temporary thing that never went away, disrupting an impervious façade, a reminder of the beauty in incompleteness.  Humans disrupt.  We are hardwired to want.

Days of the Weak

Wednesday is the Friday of the soul

Thursday is the Friday of the heart

Friday is the Friday of the loins

Saturday is the suspension of disbelief

Sunday is the apology

Monday is

Tuesday is the Wednesday of the mind

Wednesday is the Friday of the soul

23 02 2022

How to get lost

First you must forget

all the names they gave you

These will not matter

Burn and bury the names

Do not give them away

Forget about keeping

one in a drawer

so you can take it out to show

       and pack back in tissue

You will not be coming back to this room

Go away from everyone

       to do it

Dig deep

Return soil and sod

Do not mark the

                   grave

Now you are ready

Go into the desert

Sit on the rock

Remember what to do next

(2020)

Love song

Be my abyss

Let me shout into you the seven hundred cursed names of those I will destroy

Let me cry near you and wear away a river’s worth of rock

Be cool and empty when all is hot and loud

Be the inferno sleeping

Waiting for me to slither into your invariable dark night

On the day when things explode

(2020)

The Commuters

Paris, 1903

When is the next train due?

Seven  minutes.

Will we have enough time?

Yes, only hurry. This way, behind here.

Is this safe?

Of course not. Do you care?

Have I ever cared?

I’ve missed you so.

A kiss first, quickly.

Mmm…you changed tobacco.

Actually I did. Your brand.

You’re even more delicious. Come, further from the light. Over here.

Kiss me more. I never get enough kisses from you.

We never have time. If I could only have you for a night. An hour even, alone.

To get undressed.

Yes. To kiss you everywhere. To touch you properly, feel your skin against mine.

Time for you to do everything to me you’ve ever wanted. 

This is madness.

It’s enough.

Hush, footsteps…alright, they’ve gone. Andre, we can’t keep doing this.

But how else can I see you?

I’ll rent a room. Somewhere that people won’t care who comes and goes. You know I have money. It’s not impossible.

It’s not safe.

This is worse. This is scandals and inquiries and your whole life and mine gone to ruin. For seven minutes of scrabbling in the dark, like a pair of blind—

Hush…they’ve gone.

Andre, please, let me find us somewhere. One night. Somewhere in the north end. Or right out of town. Rent a cottage, arrive separately. Take guns and dogs and say we’re hunting.

We’ll talk about it later.

There is no later. There’s this, and this again, and never anything else.

Don’t leave. Michel, I’m sorry. I’m frightened and I’m sorry that I’ve got nothing more to give you. I’m sorry that it will never be enough.

Stop. If that’s all you’ve got to say, let’s stop talking.

Kiss me again.

Mmm…come farther now. Hurry.

I can barely see you.

You don’t need to see. Just touch me.

Oh my…is that…all you?

Don’t you know how I ache for you every moment we’re not together?

I want you in my mouth.

We can’t. Not here.

I must. Just this once. 

Agree you’ll see me elsewhere. Tell me you’ll be with me, if only for a night. Or I don’t know that I can ever do this again.

Don’t lie.

I mean it. Promise me one night together. Or I’ll walk away right now—

Don’t. Don’t ever say that again.

Well then?

I promise. We will be together. Not just like this but truly together. Whatever you desire. Only say you’ll never refuse me.

How could I refuse my heart?

One more kiss. Then let me have you.

Yes. Only hurry…             

I’ve wanted to do this for so long. Every time we meet.

You’d better start or you’ll be waiting again…oh…Andre…oh, love…what is that you’re …how can it feel so…oh yes, touch me there. I’ll spread my legs for you to reach…yes…yes…yes, take me right down…oh, I’m going to…oh yes, suck it down. Yes, take it.

Well…I never knew you had such talk in you.

You wait. Wait till we’re alone. When there’s no one to hear us, judge us. I’ll tell you all the things I’ve ever wanted to do to you, love. And then we’ll do them.

Yes. Find us a room. I promise, I’ll be there.

Do you still love me?

More than ever. I’ll be tasting you all night.

I hear the train.

What about tomorrow?

What about it? You know I’ll be here. Quick, kiss me one last time…now go. Carry on with the crowd. I’ll leave after.

I miss you already, darling.

Tomorrow, love. I promise.

a love story (cut-up #1)

Nothing to do but surrender,

take it,

and because he could not cry out,

There seemed no end to it,

 thoroughly gasping,

around Ed’s

and the motion and

“So could I.”

Truly breathless, unresisting  

his worst and his best, his heart and his body’s lowest cravings.

oh, my Valentine…

(2021)

[a found assembly of phrases from the editing file of a short story]